It is with no sadness or regret that I announce that my alarm clock is dead.
We had a long-term relationship that was contentious at best. Alarm clocks are one of those unwanted necessities in life - they perform the vital function of getting us to work on time so that we can continue to afford food, clothing, shelter, iPods, etc. But I cannot think fondly of a device whose sole purpose in life is to annoy me out of my peaceful slumber. And so, when the alarm on the clock ceased to function, it was time (hah!) to part ways.
I will admit that the animosity in our relationship was partly my fault. I made the mistake of putting the clock on the nightstand, thereby enabling me to push the snooze button repeatedly without ever actually being fully conscious. I have found that my desire to remain asleep is so strong that I can play Swat the Snooze Button long enough to make me late for work.
But it also had a major design flaw - the button to turn off the alarm entirely is RIGHT NEXT TO the snooze button. Which means that the flailing arm of a woman who just wants the noise to stop is likely to hit the wrong button, thus setting off a period of wonderful sleep followed by a period of intense swearing and rushing around. I really should have exchanged the damn thing for a better one in the first place, but I bought it at Wal-Mart (which, at the time, was the closest place to get such an item). Going to Wal-Mart is a trying experience in the best of times, as is returning something. So returning something to Wal-Mart was out of the question. Had I known the trouble it would cause me over the years, I would have done it anyway. C'est la vie.
Now I have a new clock, which is located across the room, and whose alarm switch is nowhere near the snooze button. Plus it has one of those alarms with a graduated volume, so it starts out quiet and then ramps up to jet-engine decibel levels, thus rendering me incapable of getting back to sleep after rupturing my eardrums. So it does its job. But we're never going to be friends.
[Listening to: "Dvorak's Symphony No. 6 in D Major, Op. 60: II. Adagio" by The Slovak Philharmonic Orchestra]