Knitpicking

I've Moved

2007-06-27T16:47:00.000-04:00

My blog has been relocated to here.

The Threat of Knitting

2007-06-13T21:36:00.000-04:00

I know that knitting is not a very common pastime, so I have come to expect a bit of reaction from people when I'm knitting in public. The response generally falls into two categories:

Excited interest. The people who exhibit this behavior are invariably knitters themselves.
Polite curiosity. The people in this category generally look like a combination of amused and befuddled, like they're inwardly saying, "Wow, people still knit?" or "What is she doing with those sticks and string?" They usually smile and go on about their business.

I have now encountered a third reaction: thoroughly frightened.

I was sitting in the waiting room at my orthodontist's office, knitting peacefully on my sock while I waited my turn. Across the room was a mother and her daughter, who appeared to be about 6 or 7. (I found out later that they were waiting for their older daughter/sister to get done with her adjustment). The mom took a look at what I was doing, then looked at me with an expression akin to one you might have if you found yourself face-to-face with Freddy Krueger. The fear then morphed into a sort of disgusted look, as if knitting was a deviant act that should only be done in the privacy of one's home between consenting needles and yarn. She then (and this is the part that stunned me) grabbed up her kid and moved to the farthest point in the room from me.

I've had some time to mull this incident over, and I still can't make any sense of it. What is so threatening about knitting? Did she think her child would be scarred for life from exposure to knitting? That she might find out too soon how baby sweaters are made?

One thing I did find amusing was that the daughter was singing along to the song "This Is Why I'm Hot", which was playing on the radio. Not exactly wholesome, even when heavily edited. So knitting is terrible but songs about clubbing and promiscuous sex are perfectly fine?

(Oh, and in case you're curious, apparently Mims is hot because he's fly, and "you ain't 'cause you not.") Nice.

Tags: Knitting, Knitting Rants

Dear Sock

2007-06-05T00:56:00.000-04:00

I want to love you. I really do.

I remember when I saw the yarn that was to become you. It was last Christmas, and I was home visiting my parents. My mother, knowing my love of yarn, took me to a lovely yarn shop. It was the first time I had ever seen Lorna's Laces sock yarn in real life, and I fell in love instantly.

Sunday night, as I cast you on , I had high hopes that this was going to be the best pair of socks in the history of ever. I had done all of the calculations to ensure that you would fit perfectly. We were destined to live a happy life together.

And then things went wrong. I'll admit that it is partly my fault. Due to my phenotypic uniqueness, I have to make concessions that others need not worry about. My short stature and weirdly athletic legs mean that if I knit the leg with the same number of stitches all the way down, I get sags at the ankles. But I was not afraid, because I had read Knitting Rules! All I needed to do was decrease a few stitches as I approached the ankle.

So I decreased 4 stitches. I was getting 8 stitches per inch, and about a half an inch was all I needed to take up the slack. I then merrily proceeded along with you, turning the heel and racing along the foot. I even stopped to take a picture of you:

I even posed you with the book, in hopes that Stephanie Pearl-McPhee's sock-knitting mojo might rub off on you.

Then I tried you on. A simple decrease of 4 stitches had made you too tight for my ankles, despite the fact that my ankles are a full 2 inches smaller than where the cuff falls. Why? I don't understand. I'm a scientist, and I can't wrap my head around why 4 stitches made you too tight.

As you no doubt know, you have been ripped back significantly since the above picture was taken. I'm going to try again, because I have invested so much time in you and can see your great potential. I ask only that you try to work with me to become the fabulous sock that I know you can be.

Sincerely,
Jayme

Forget the Lemonade

2007-06-03T20:12:00.000-04:00

A new twist on an old saying, courtesy of Pearls Before Swine:

I think I like these endings better than the original.

Friday Surprise

2007-06-01T18:31:00.000-04:00

It's been a pretty horrible week. So surprise flowers are a good pick-me-up.

The card wasn't signed, so I don't know for sure who sent them to me. But I have a good idea. Or maybe I have a secret admirer.

Auto Repair, Redneck Style

2007-05-25T17:55:00.000-04:00

A long time ago, I got one of those eternally-forwarded e-mails whose subject was Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say. Along with "I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex." and "I'll have a Heineken." was "Duct tape won't fix that."

Here's an example:

P.S. Sometimes I love having a cell-phone camera.

[Listening to: "Coin-Operated Boy" by The Dresden Dolls]

The Dream That Wouldn't Go Away

2007-04-30T10:43:00.000-04:00

I've been having this recurring dream lately.

I'm on a trip somewhere. Exactly where is always different - sometimes it's a vacation, sometimes it's visiting family, and once it was summer camp(?). The common thread is that it's time to leave, and I can't seem to get everything packed to go. Either there's too much stuff, or it's spread around everywhere, or I can't move fast enough. So I end up missing my ride/flight home.

I guess it must mean something, since I've had this dream about a dozen times in the last few months. But I'll be damned if I know what it means.

Death in the Family

2007-04-01T20:05:00.000-04:00

I just found out that my first cousin once removed died last week. I wasn't close to him - I saw him maybe once every couple of years at our annual family reunion. I'm a bit ashamed to admit that it took a few minutes for me to search my mental file to put a face with the name (in my defense, I come from a huge family with lots of name duplication).

But he was family, and I believe that relatives deserve to be remembered regardless of how close you were to them. So I am posting his obituary from the Hope Star:

Jeff Bell

MINERAL SPRINGS, AR--Jeffrey Wayne “Jeff” Bell, 57, of Mineral Springs died suddenly in a Nashville hospital on March 29, 2007. He was a rancher and owner of an excavation service.

He loved his family and friends and was a master storyteller. He was a perfectionist who took pride in a job well done as the beautifully sculpted rolling hills of the Bell farm attest. He was a member of Mineral Springs First United Methodist Church.

He was preceded in death by one brother, Larry Marvin Bell and his mother, Cora Mae Bell.

Survivors include his wife and best friend, LaNelle Booker Bell, of Mineral Springs; one son, Ryan Bell and wife, Lisa, and their children, Jagger and Skye Bell, of Forney, Texas; one stepson, Michael Walters, of Orlando, Fla.; his father, J. F. Bell, of Mineral Springs; special mother-in-law, Wilma Booker, “Booker Momma,” of Washington; six sisters, Delilah Harbison, of Westfork, Kay Erwin, of Mineral Springs, Lisa Summerford, of Fayetteville, Pam New, of Texarkana, Jeri JOnes, of Nashville, and Tracy Hensley, of Mena; LaNell's brother, Joe Booker, of Washington; one granddaughter, Taylor Bell, of Dallas, Texas, and several nieces and nephews.

Funeral services will be at 2 p.m., Sunday, April 1, at Brazzel/Oakcrest Funeral Home in Hope, with the Rev. Jimmy Dale and Vickie Stephens officiating. Burial will follow in Mineral Springs Cemetery in Mineral Springs.

Arrangements are by Brazzel/Oakcrest Funeral Home in Hope. Family will receive friends on Saturday, March 31, from 6-8 p.m. at Brazzel/Oakcrest Funeral Home in Hope.

In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to Mineral Springs First United Methodist Church, Minder Springs, AR. or to Old Washington United Methodist Church, Washington, AR.

Allergies (Or: Mucus, the Scourge of Mankind)

2007-03-23T23:32:00.000-04:00

It seems that I have a very responsive immune system. Which I guess is good overall.

Unfortunately, my body cannot distinguish between a malicious bug and ordinary pollen. This is bad because the main ingredient of the air this time of year is pollen. And so, my allergies are incapacitating me.

I just wish I could make my immune system understand that no, pollen isn't a threat. There's no need to go Red Alert, Condition One. Besides, what good does it do for my survival if my allergies make me unable to breathe or eat?

Strange News Friday

2007-03-09T11:06:00.000-05:00

A little bit of weird news to start off the weekend:

In Progress

2007-03-06T23:53:00.000-05:00

(A post in which I prove that I actually am knitting stuff)

My latest project is the Monk's Travel Satchel. My progress?

So far: the front, most of the back and flap, and part of the strap. The strap also forms the bottom and sides of the bag, which means 74 inches of seed stitch hell with size 4 needles. I'm at about the 30 inch mark. So I have a long way to go before it resembles anything like a bag.

[Listening to: "Brothers & Sisters" by Coldplay]

I'm in Love

2007-03-05T17:33:00.000-05:00

I haven't met this new love of my life yet, but I'm sure our relationship will be very fulfilling. Here it is:
"Charmed Knits" by Alison Hansel. It combines two of my obsessions: knitting and Harry Potter. Alas, I have to wait until May, when it is released.

Sidelined by Semantics

2007-03-04T12:20:00.000-05:00

Another post about the wacky and infuriating world of US politics.

First Barack Obama, then John McCain get themselves into hot water because they use the term "wasted" to characterize the deaths of soldiers in Iraq. Then the retraction - they meant to use the term "sacrificed" instead.

Let's look at the definitions:

Waste: to consume, spend, or employ without adequate return
Sacrifice:the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim

So which term you use should have more to do with your opinion of the war, not whether or not the term has a negative connotation.

The worst part of the semantic sparring is that it distracts us from having a discussion about the things that matter - what we are doing there, what we should do next, etc. You can spend tons of time arguing about "waste" vs. "sacrifice" or "civil war" vs. "sectarian violence", but nothing is getting done in the meantime.

Sigh.

[Listening to: "L' Incertitude d'Heisenberg" by Télépopmusik]

The Asian Tour of Pain

2007-03-02T10:50:00.000-05:00

Nine months since the braces went on, and everything is going according to plan, though very slowly.

I'm in the elastic band stage, which supposedly helps line up my bite. The elastics my ortho gives out uses countries to identify the size and strength of the bands, which I guess is useful. I started out with Japan, which seemed uncomfortable at the time, but not too bad. I now realize that Japan is a far nicer place to be than Thailand. Thailand bands are small and extremely strong. It's not been fun.

I'm glad that ibuprofen is plentiful.

Five Years of My Life in One Comic Strip Panel

2007-02-27T13:16:00.000-05:00

Yep, this comic strip pretty much sums up my experience in grad school...

To Sleep, Or Maybe Not

2007-02-27T02:14:00.000-05:00

The thing I really hate about insomnia is that it occurs only between the hours of 11pm and 6am. Any other time, I could fall asleep immediately. So it seems that I can only fall asleep when I'm not allowed to do so.

Fun times.

[Listening to: "Knock 'Em Out" by Lily Allen]

Status Report

2007-02-26T12:51:00.000-05:00

Haven't posted in a while. I've been playing on MySpace recently instead. I've reconnected with some friends I haven't seen in years, but posting to this blog has been bumped down on my list of priorities.

So, a short recap:

- Still have my braces. Hopefully they will be off by the end of the year.

- Still being overworked and underappreciated at my job.

- Still knitting, though not as much as I would like. I've made gifts (sorry, no pictures) and socks:

and socks in progress:
- Also, I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally, which usually happens this time of year. I'm not a winter person.

Multitasking

2006-12-05T22:29:00.000-05:00

For you hunters out there: Seasonshot.

Kill your game and season it at the same time. Now THAT'S multitasking. I had no idea that there was a market for such a thing, but there you go.

If Dick Cheney had only had it during his unfortunate quail-hunting trip last year. He could have literally peppered his hunting buddy.

[Listening to: "Subterranean Homesick Blues" by Bob Dylan]

The Best Campaign T-Shirt Ever

2006-11-11T18:56:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I would never vote for him, because he's a world-class dick. But at least his slogan is true.

[Listening to: "Lust" by Tori Amos]

Thank God It's Almost Over

2006-11-06T23:57:00.000-05:00

Election season, that is.

I am sick and tired of the incessant campaign commercials where Candidate X claims that his /her opponent is a psychopath who kicks puppies for fun and who, if elected, will cause America to be sucked into the Seventh Circle of Hell. Whereas Candidate X's election will ensure that your life will be filled with happiness and sunshine and no taxes.

What won't end tomorrow is the speculation about what the future holds if the Democrats manage to take back at least one of the Houses of Congress. Here's a hint - it won't change anything of substance. The government will be just as fucked up next year as it is today. But it may be more entertaining.

[Listening to: "Fly Me Away" by Goldfrapp]

Ask Me Later If It Was Worth It

2006-11-02T22:16:00.000-05:00

I had my braces adjusted again yesterday. The last wayward tooth is finally bonded (orthodontist speak for putting a bracket on it and hooking it up to the wire). This particular tooth was set back behind its neighbors, so I had to wear a coil spring and power chain (for three months) to make room for it first. And yes, coil springs and power chains are as much fun as they sound.

The upside? Without all of that metal in my mouth, my braces definitely look less conspicuous, and my teeth look more normal than they ever have before.

The downside? The wayward tooth, having happily hung out where it was for the past twenty years, is not taking to being pulled into a new position very well. It hurts. A lot. I've been sucking down ibuprofen since yesterday morning. And I'm channeling my pain-related bitchiness by swearing a lot. I have found that liberal use of the word "fuck" helps deal with the situation. As in, "My fucking tooth hurts so fucking much! I've taken six fucking Advil, and the fucking pain will not fucking go away!"

Okay, so it's not the most ladylike way to behave, but it gets me through the day.

[Listening to: "Downtown" by Peaches]

A Halloween Debunking

2006-10-31T13:10:00.000-05:00

According to Costas Efthimiou, a physicist at the University of Central Florida, ghosts and vampires are a mathematical impossibility. Awww.

But luckily for people like Anne Rice, the general population is not easily swayed by facts with which they disagree.

Rewriting the Calendar

2006-10-26T20:12:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, the president delivered a speech about the economy and the budget. My favorite quote:

"This morning my administration released the budget numbers for fiscal 2006. These budget numbers are not just estimates; these are the actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the 30th."

Okay, two things. First, the government fiscal year ends on September 30. Second, and this is the funniest part: February 30? I'll need to check my calendar, but I'm pretty sure that February 30 doesn't exist.

We always knew he had a certain way with words, but now we know he can't even get the calendar straight.

Dispatch From the State Fair

2006-10-21T22:24:00.000-04:00

(Alternate Title: Deep-Fried Nausea on a Stick)

For the first time ever, I went to the North Carolina State Fair. The last time I went to the fair was back in Arkansas in 1991. But I scored some free tickets this time, so I decided to check it out.

They had rides,

livestock,
and sideshows.Sideshows. Where you can have your desire to see oddly-sized animals (midget cows, giant rats) and animals with extra legs/heads, etc. all in one place. Whee!

But let's not forget the reason most people go to the fair: to eat wildly inappropriate food. Which, when you're in the south, usually means deep-fried everything:

Deep-fried candy bars, twinkies, pickles, cheeseburgers, and deep-fried Coca-cola (new for this year).

Gives me indigestion just thinking about it.

[Listening to: "Daylight Robbery" by Imogen Heap]

A Small Diversion

2006-10-08T22:32:00.000-04:00

I could not stomach the thought of working on my ongoing projects, so I whipped out this nifty shopping bag:

There's something to be said about a project that can be done in an afternoon.

[Listening to: Mozart's Serenade in G, K. 525 "Eine kleine Nachtmusik", performed by the Berliner Philharmoniker]

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

2006-10-07T12:57:00.000-04:00

[Stephanie P. sent me the e-mail below a while ago. I figured, given this week's events at work, it was the appropriate time to share it. The Big Boss came to talk to us, and told us that our low morale was not due to the fact that there have been numerous layoffs, that nobody has any real idea of our direction for the future, or that there seems to be no communication between the top level and us. No, our morale is low because we're a bunch of whiny crybabies with bad attitudes, and we should suck it up and be happy at work.]

HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK

When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@! out of her"...You need to pray at work.

When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work.

When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work.

When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him...... You need to pray at work.

When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, " what the h*&^ does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work.

When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!!".... You need to pray at work.

When you take some vacation time and come backto find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s"........ You need to pray at work.

If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with...... You need to pray at work.

If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story .......You need to pray at work.

If you know all the words that have been bleeped out....You need to pray at work!
LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS

[Listening to: "Flake" by Jack Johnson]

A Dubious Honor

2006-10-05T22:18:00.000-04:00

It's Nobel Prize time again, which means it's also time to announce the winners of its less serious and more amusing cousin, the Ig Nobels. I'll leave it to you to ponder the merits of this year's recipients.

ORNITHOLOGY -- The late Philip R.A. May and Ivan R. Schwab, for exploring and explaining why woodpeckers don't get headaches.

NUTRITION -- Wasmia Al-Houty and Faten Al-Mussalam, for showing that dung beetles are finicky about dung.

PEACE -- Howard Stapleton, for inventing a teenager repellent, an electronic device that makes an annoying noise audible to teenagers but not adults.

ACOUSTICS -- D. Lynn Halpern, Randolph Blake and James Hillenbrand, for their experiments on why people dislike the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.

MATHEMATICS -- Nic Svenson and Piers Barnes, for calculating the number of photographs you must take to ensure nobody in a group photo has their eyes closed.

LITERATURE -- Daniel Oppenheimer, for his report "Consequences of Erudite Vernacular Utilized Irrespective of Necessity: Problems with Using Long Words Needlessly."

MEDICINE -- Francis M. Fesmire, for his medical case report "Termination of Intractable Hiccups with Digital Rectal Massage"; and Majed Odeh, Harry Bassan and Arie Oliven for their subsequent medical case report.

PHYSICS -- Basile Audoly and Sebastien Neukirch, for their insights into why dry spaghetti often breaks into more than two pieces when bent.

CHEMISTRY -- Antonio Mulet, Jose Javier Benedito, Jose Bon and
Carmen Rossello, for their study "Ultrasonic Velocity in Cheddar Cheese as Affected by Temperature."

BIOLOGY -- Bart Knols and Ruurd de Jong, for showing that female malaria mosquitoes are attracted equally to the smell of Limburger cheese and to the smell of human feet.

The take-home lesson: you can research just about anything, but someone may make fun of it.

[Listening to: "The Pageant of the Bizarre" by Zero 7]

Um, Okayyyy...

2006-10-02T11:45:00.000-04:00

Oh, the things you can buy on the internet.

I'm not even going to comment on it.

If Only It Was a Bit Longer

2006-10-01T22:35:00.000-04:00

The weekend, that is.

It was a busy one for me, but I managed to get a lot done. Usual chores (plus a few things on my long-term to-do list - yay!), quality time with the SO, reading, knitting. Plus I even managed to fit in a nap or two .

The only thing that would make it better would be if the weekend were a couple of days longer. Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?

I Just Wanted to Say...

2006-09-29T13:34:00.000-04:00

Life is damn wonderful sometimes.

Distractions

2006-09-25T13:09:00.000-04:00

[Note: I originally wrote this post last week, but stupidly pushed the “Save as Draft” button instead of the “Publish” button.]

In celebration of ADHD Awareness Day, I present a selection of bite-sized tidbits for you to enjoy:

Stephanie P. has a borderline obsession with a tree frog that hangs out on the windows in the front of the building at work. She talks to it and calls it “Kermit”.
I have a borderline obsession with the 2007 Honda CR-V.
The combination of Kristen, cryomill tubes, liquid nitrogen, and rat liver is potentially lethal.
Look! Knit sushi! And a knit sushi toilet paper cozy?
You can get a Battlestar Galactica credit card. Oh, and don't forget to check out the webisodes on SciFi.com while you're waiting for the new season.
My next pair of socks will be these. If I can ever get my hands on Lorna's Laces sock yarn, which is hand-dyed and beautiful and really hard to find.

[Listening to: "Sundrenched World" by Joshua Radin]

The Passing of Time

2006-09-14T22:39:00.000-04:00

It is with no sadness or regret that I announce that my alarm clock is dead.

We had a long-term relationship that was contentious at best. Alarm clocks are one of those unwanted necessities in life - they perform the vital function of getting us to work on time so that we can continue to afford food, clothing, shelter, iPods, etc. But I cannot think fondly of a device whose sole purpose in life is to annoy me out of my peaceful slumber. And so, when the alarm on the clock ceased to function, it was time (hah!) to part ways.

I will admit that the animosity in our relationship was partly my fault. I made the mistake of putting the clock on the nightstand, thereby enabling me to push the snooze button repeatedly without ever actually being fully conscious. I have found that my desire to remain asleep is so strong that I can play Swat the Snooze Button long enough to make me late for work.

But it also had a major design flaw - the button to turn off the alarm entirely is RIGHT NEXT TO the snooze button. Which means that the flailing arm of a woman who just wants the noise to stop is likely to hit the wrong button, thus setting off a period of wonderful sleep followed by a period of intense swearing and rushing around. I really should have exchanged the damn thing for a better one in the first place, but I bought it at Wal-Mart (which, at the time, was the closest place to get such an item). Going to Wal-Mart is a trying experience in the best of times, as is returning something. So returning something to Wal-Mart was out of the question. Had I known the trouble it would cause me over the years, I would have done it anyway. C'est la vie.

Now I have a new clock, which is located across the room, and whose alarm switch is nowhere near the snooze button. Plus it has one of those alarms with a graduated volume, so it starts out quiet and then ramps up to jet-engine decibel levels, thus rendering me incapable of getting back to sleep after rupturing my eardrums. So it does its job. But we're never going to be friends.

[Listening to: "Dvorak's Symphony No. 6 in D Major, Op. 60: II. Adagio" by The Slovak Philharmonic Orchestra]

Escape from Area 51

2006-09-10T23:15:00.000-04:00

I'll admit it - I have Knitting Attention Deficit Disorder (KADD?). I start a project with great enthusiasm and then abandon it (usually temporarily, sometimes permanently) when it ceases to amuse me. I personally know some knitters that work on only one project at a time, and don't start another one until they're finished with it. I admire the concept, but I fully realize that I am completely incapable of project monogamy.

The one nasty side effect of KADD is that I have an alarming number of UFOs (UnFinished Objects) in my possession. My place could easily be designated as the new Area 51. I'm particularly bad about not finishing blankets (except baby blankets - they have a deadline) and scarves. If I start a scarf in the winter, I recognize that there's a possibility that it won't be finished in time to wear it NEXT winter. Or sometimes the winter after that.

Therefore it is with great satisfaction that I present a finished scarf. That I started THIS SUMMER.

I have figured out that what separates this scarf from the others currently stashed in the Bag of Shame (where UFOs stay nicely out of sight to keep me from feeling guilty) is the pattern. Entrelac apparently has the ability to keep me interested long enough to actually finish something made with the pattern. Plus it looks cool. Usually it's done with more than one color, but the color variation in the hand-dyed yarn I used draws attention to the basketweave pattern in a nice, subtle way.

For those of you who are interested, the pattern is adapted from the Danica scarf pattern on Knitty.

I'm feeling so proud of myself right now that I might even pull out a UFO and work on it. But knowing me, I'll probably just start something new.

[Listening to: "I Will Follow You into the Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie]

Random Tuesday

2006-09-05T23:53:00.000-04:00

This week's series of unrelated tidbits:

A factoid from the back of the bottle of Sam Adams Octoberfest: every year they hold a company-wide competition for the best homebrew. The winners get a trip to Germany for Oktoberfest. Talk about a good incentive program.

Guess what Alan Mullaly, the new CEO of the Ford Motor Company drives. A Lexus. Apparently hypocrisy is Job One.

My parents' dog is adorable

but incredibly neurotic. My parents have a travel bag for her with her food and toys. She's smart enough to realize that when they get the bag out, they're going on a trip. She is also so afraid that they'll leave her behind that she will watch the bag like a hawk to make sure that it doesn't go out the door without her. She hasn't yet figured out that it's possible to leave without both her AND the bag, and a better bet is to watch the humans. But it's interesting to see how much she freaks out about the whole thing.

[Listening to: "Do Ya" by Peaches]

I Must Be REALLY Dumb

2006-08-29T23:09:00.000-04:00

Researchers at Princeton University recently released the results of a study that attempts to explain why tall people earn more money than their shorter peers. Earlier studies have attributed this phenomenon to social discrimination - taller people are perceived as more powerful and authoritative and therefore get better jobs. The new study says it's more basic - taller people are smarter.

Their findings indicate that as early as age 3 (presumably before societal pressures start affecting the outcome), taller children do better on cognitive tests. Ergo, taller people are inherently smarter.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am 4'10". According to the study, I should be as dumb as a bag of hammers. But I'm going to assume for a moment that I'm somewhat intelligent while I take a critical look at their study.

Relative height at age 3 does not necessarily correspond to height in adulthood. I was much higher in height percentile until about age 8. I've also known several people who had a massive growth spurt, going from being one of the shortest kids to being one of the tallest kids.

On a related note, exactly HOW do you assess the intelligence of a 3-year-old? Three is an age where kids are sticking things up their noses, eating dirt, and consistently putting their underpants on backwards. Not exactly smart behavior to begin with.

They included a CYA statement that, since the data included only people in the US and UK, their conclusions "could not be applied to other regions". Presumably because they have no way of explaining why, for example, the Japanese are kicking our asses in the realm of intelligence, since the Japanese are, on average, shorter than Americans.

Finally, and this is a biggie, how does one objectively measure the intelligence of a person? Ask ten people to define "intelligent" and you'll get ten different answers. And for each answer, you can probably come up with at least one reason why the answer does not necessarily indicate intelligence. If we can't even agree on what constitutes intelligence, how can we measure it?

On the other hand, the study findings may explain the following conversation I had with a coworker the other day:

Coworker: "Where are you from originally?"
Me: "Little Rock, Arkansas."
Coworker: "How did you end up here?"
Me: "I went to graduate school here and stayed after I graduated."
Coworker: "Which school did you go to?"
Me: "Duke."
Coworker: "Oh, so you ARE smart."

I love back-handed compliments.

In knitting news, I am getting ready to start a pair of mock-cable socks. Assuming, of course, that I'm not too dumb to count to eight reliably.

[Listening to: "The Pageant of the Bizarre" by Zero 7]

A Warning

2006-08-23T23:37:00.000-04:00

I present the following quote from the WRAL Online article Hundreds Of Body Parts From N.C. Company Recalled:

"Improperly processed or poorly tested tissue can lead to infections like hepatitis or AIDS or even death."

So beware of funerals, lest you contract a fatal case of death from the deceased.

[Listening to: "Overkill (Acoustic Version)" by Colin Hay]

Random Tuesday

2006-08-22T23:13:00.000-04:00

Today I spent a chunk of my work day prepping and plating rat urine samples for analysis. If you've never had the privilege of working with it, let me tell you - rat urine is one of the most disgusting things on the face of the earth. The smell is simply indescribable. They really should market it as a diet aid, because one whiff of the stuff will put you off your feed for several hours. But while I was working (and trying not to inhale too deeply), I came up with a great company slogan. "Saving Lives, 50 Microliters of Rat Pee At a Time". Wouldn't that be great on a brochure?

In other news, I have a new addition to my list of favorite websites: Television Without Pity. It has really detailed (and pretty hilarious) episode summaries of almost all of the TV shows out there. I laughed out loud at the following snippet from a recap of an episode of "Rome":

"Outside the compound, Pullo is sitting on a log and whittling. A couple of Egyptian boys, unable to resist the target presented by the big red cape, start hucking stones at him. Which is pretty brave, considering that several other Romans are standing sentry right next to Pullo. Pullo sheathes his dagger, slowly gets up, and wings a stone right back, sending the kids running. One of the sentries snickers, earning a shove from Pullo. And in less than ten seconds, we've just seen the clearest explication ever of the Bush Administration's foreign policy."

[Listening to: "World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies]

Interesting....

2006-08-16T23:41:00.000-04:00

The following article is from WRAL online :

Redheads Have More Sex, Survey Says

Is it true that blondes have more fun? Well, that depends on what your idea of fun is.

Redheads have more sex than women of any other hair color, according to new research in Germany.

Hamburg sex researcher, Professor Dr. Werner Habermehl, said his new study documented the sex lives of hundreds of German women and compared them by hair color, according to the Daily Mail.

Habermehl said that the sex lives of redheaded women were not only more active than women with other colors of hair, but that red heads have more partners and sex more frequently than the average person.

"The research shows that the fiery redhead certainly lives up to her reputation," Habermehl told the Daily Mail.He also told the paper that women who dyed their hair red from another color were signaling they were looking for a partner.

"Even women in a fixed relationship are letting their partners know they are unhappy if they dye their hair red. They are saying that they are looking for something better," Habermehl said to the Daily Mail.

Psychologist Christine Baumanns doesn't blame the redheaded women for having better sex lives. She thinks it just may be the way they are perceived.

"Red stands for passion and when a man sees a redhead, he will think he is dealing with a woman who won't mess around, and gets straight to the point when it comes to sex," she said.

[Listening to: "Maggie" by Colin Hay]

Downgrade on the Digs

2006-08-14T19:10:00.000-04:00

It's been a month since the company I work for moved to a new location. To say that the new place is different from the previous digs would be a serious understatement. The place is completely devoid of natural light and color. The decor of the new place is ~~an incredibly boring~~ a soothing palette of tan, gray, and slightly darker gray. But the building does have some interesting features.

Witness the Door to Nowhere:

The smoking area is right next to the fuel tank for the generator. So the "Designated Smoking Area" sign is literally less than 5 feet from the sign that says "Danger - No Smoking".

The file cabinet drawers have combination locks on them. Not so strange per se, but the locks are positioned in such a way that you have to open the drawer to get to it. So you have to be able to open the drawer in order to unlock and open the drawer. Brilliant.

At least the view out the front isn't too bad:

Plus, see what's spray-painted on the front sidewalk, with arrows pointing to the building:

Hmmmmm.....

[Listening to: "Walking After You" by Foo Fighters]

A Strange Breed Indeed

2006-08-14T03:18:00.000-04:00

I have been having a bad bout of insomnia lately. The interesting thing about insomnia, at least for me, is that when my body is too exhausted to do anything, my mind wanders into topics of either deep meaning or vast stupidity. This time, it's been more of the former.

Tonight I am thinking about how humans find it so difficult to express love. A vulnerability issue I guess. After all, expressing love toward someone opens you up to rejection and ridicule, which for many people is more painful than a physical blow. We're much tougher on the outside than we are on the inside.

I'll admit it - I'm guilty too. There have been a number of instances in my life where I wanted to tell someone that I loved them or cared for them, but I never did. It's definitely something I need to work on.

A Yarn Feature Of Which I've Never Heard

2006-08-05T15:57:00.000-04:00

My friend Stephanie bought some sock yarn so that I could make her a pair. It's Regia Cotton Color 4 fach haltbar. I've used Regia 4fach before, though not Cotton Color, so it should be no problem.

Being a type of yarn I've never seen before, I took a good look at the label. This yarn lists a number of features. Most of them are usual features (machine washable, non-felting, retains its shape while wearing). Then there's this one: air conditioning. Air conditioning?? That's a new one on me. I'm not exactly sure what that's supposed to mean, but in the weather we've been having, air conditioning is a good feature.

[Listening to: "Naked As We Came" by Iron & Wine]

I CAN Do It

2006-08-01T21:27:00.000-04:00

After the bigfoot sock fiasco, I had to prove to myself that I was actually capable of making a pair of socks that fit my feet:

The yarn is pretty garish, but they fit! Plus, after spending my days in a bland, colorless workplace (more on that later), it's nice to put on a pair of really loud socks.

[Listening to: "Season Song" by Blue States]

An Orthodontic Catalog

2006-07-27T23:44:00.000-04:00

Today I had my fourth adjustment of my braces. The first three were pretty simple - just lig changes. I think my orthodontist was duping me into a false sense of security with easy adjustments, because now the gloves have come off.

My mouth is now a veritable catalog of orthodontic appliances. The full list includes:

Metal brackets
Ceramic brackets ("social six")
Size 16 round NiTi archwires
Clear ligs
Purple ligs
Powerchain between teeth 4 and 6
Coil spring between teeth 6 and 8
Wire ties to hold the coil spring

All I can say is "ouch", because saying much of anything right now hurts like hell. Pass the Advil.

[Listening to: "Hey Pretty" by Poe]

The Magic of Felting

2006-07-24T20:15:00.000-04:00

It never ceases to amaze me that a floppy, messy piece of knitting such as this:

Can turn into this:

with just some hot water and soap in a washing machine. Felting is almost dark magic.

[Listening to: Crystalline Green - Goldfrapp]

The Hazards of Weddings

2006-07-21T23:50:00.000-04:00

It's wedding season, and once again I find myself invited to weddings by friends who are deranged enough to want me to be there to witness their joyous event. I don't have anything against weddings per se, but they're fraught with enough hazards to make them a truly exhausting ordeal.

Based on my vast experience of going to weddings as a single woman, I have learned a few things about what to do and, more importantly, what not to do. Cardinal Rule: don't bring your boyfriend/fiancee, no matter what the stage or status of your relationship. While you're sitting there, simply enjoying watching your friends take their vows, your significant other will almost invariably be thinking, "Oh shit! If I stay with her, we might end up getting married! Flee while there's still time!" I know this because I have had three boyfriends who have broken up with me within a week of going to a wedding with me, all of them muttering things about not being ready to make a commitment, as if I had given them some sort of ultimatum or even remotely broached the subject. I have concluded that there's nothing like a wedding to cause an otherwise normal man to go completely insane in the relationship department.

That being said, there's also a danger in going to a wedding without a date. If you go dateless, every female from the bride's mother to the groom's Great Aunt Mildred will try to set you up with a nice boy from church of the son of a coworker. Nothing you say will deter them. I haven't yet tried saying that I only date barnyard animals, but I can just imagine the response would be, "Well, there's a farmer down the road that has some lovely sheep...."

Which brings me to another wedding tradition I despise: the bouquet toss. I am convinced that the sole purpose of the bouquet toss is to embarrass the hell out of all the single people in attendance. I avoid it at all costs, to no avail. I have actually had "friends" (thanks Jennifer and Michelle) who have held up the festivities and dragged me from my hiding spot in the bathroom so that I am then forced to participate. Predictably, the bouquet headed straight for me. They always do. I could be hiding in the coat closet and the bouquet would zip around corners and through closed doors to land at my feet.

In this particular instance I had my hands behind my back, so the bouquet bounced off my chest and landed on the floor. Even though I had not technically "caught" the bouquet, my "friends" decided it was mine. So I had to endure the whole sitting on the lap of the guy who caught the garter, all the while thinking of creative ways to kill Jen and Michelle while the photographer snapped pictures. I'm sure the photos were lovely.

So, as you can probably tell, I'm looking forward to some great times. I guess it could be worse - I could be a bridesmaid.

Fun With Poisonous Snakes

2006-07-17T22:45:00.000-04:00

One of the challenges inherent in living where I do is having to deal with the sometimes alarming array of wildlife around. In addition to about a billion different species of bugs, mosquitos that can drain you of blood in minutes, deer, foxes, raccoons, rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks, etc., you also have to deal with the more dangerous animals. Like spiders and snakes of the poisonous variety.

It therefore should not have been a surprise to walk out onto my back porch today and find a copperhead sitting there like it owned the place. I have an unwritten rule that poisonous snakes are not allowed on my porch. Mostly because my dog is not smart enough to tell the difference between animals that won't hurt you and animals that will. She has enough problems with the distinction between things that are edible and things that aren't.

So after a confrontation that involved a broom on my part and broom-attacking on its part, I managed to convince the snake that it would be much happier back in the woods where it belonged. Peace was restored.

In knitting news, I am trying my hand at making an entrelac scarf:

I figured that after the sock fiasco, I should make something that doesn't depend on correct gauge. It looks a bit messy now, but it should look really great once it's blocked. By the way, there's nothing more ridiculous-looking than knitting a wooly scarf during the height of a summer heat wave.

The Swatch Failed Me

2006-07-11T18:27:00.000-04:00

I was at one of the local craft stores the other day, and I came across some wonderful, yummy alpaca yarn. It is a rare thing indeed to find anything but the run-of-the-mill acrylic yarn and tacky novelty yarns in such a place, so I was compelled to buy a couple of balls. I had a vision of a wonderful pair of socks that could be made from such loveliness.

As a dutiful knitter, I whipped up a little swatch before starting. I counted my gauge, cast on the required number of stitches, and went to town. I was knitting merrily along, making great time, while watching Countdown with Keith Olbermann. When the show was over, I looked down and realized, to my horror, that I was two-thirds of the way through making the largest sock in the world. This thing could easily fit Bigfoot.

Now, I would feel duly chastized by the experience if I had not knitted a swatch beforehand. But I did knit one. I checked and double-checked the gauge before beginning. I re-checked it after I had realized the enormity of the sock in question. The math was right, but the swatch clearly had a tighter gauge than the sock. There is no reason for this, and it clearly goes against The Order of Things.

Well, now that I had committed to making one huge sock, I decided to finish the pair. The good thing about socks is that no matter what size you make, you can find someone you know who can wear them. But that still didn't stop the feeling that each and every stitch of the second sock was mocking me, like Nelson from The Simpsons and his sing-song "Ha Ha".

Now I have to go back and buy more yarn to make some socks that actually fit my feet. I will not be defeated by wonky Sock Physics.

For the record

2006-07-01T11:40:00.000-04:00

I was right TWICE this week. It happens so rarely that I have to point it out when it happens.

Aging Unevenly

2006-06-20T23:11:00.000-04:00

I present the following recent experiences:

Exhibit 1: I was watching a story on CNN about a ringtone that only young people are able to hear. I think it was called Mosquitotone, or something like that. It is a high-frequency tone that takes advantage of the fact that high-frequency hearing is the first to go when people age. So kids can text message their friends in class without the teacher knowing about it (I'm going to refrain from commenting on this). They played the tone at the end of the story, and I had no problem hearing it, despite the fact that I have significant hearing loss in both ears. BTW, it is a highly annoying sound.

Exhibit 2: I messed up my back today. Granted, I did it while trying to wrangle a mass spectrometer into place (something I don't recommend).

So my ears are young and my back is old. Great.

A Serious Case of Blogger's Block

2006-06-14T22:12:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since my last post. I've been trying to think of something witty/amusing/informative, but nothing's coming to me. I've been experiencing a lot of totally unnecessary drama in my life, and it has drained me of the inspiration and energy to come up with something good to post. I'd write about what's going on, but it's not even interesting to me, much less a blog reader. So I'll spare everyone the torture.

Maybe when things settle down I'll have some time to chase down my muse and recapture her.

Red = Bad

2006-06-01T08:50:00.000-04:00

It's June 1st, the official start of hurricane season. Yippee. I never really had to care about hurricanes until I moved closer to the east coast and experienced first-hand what they can do. So it was with some dismay that I saw the graphic below:

See the yellow star? That's where I am. This does not bode well.

Oh. My. God.

2006-05-31T12:03:00.000-04:00

Check out this commercial from our friends at the Competitive Enterprise Institute. Go ahead, I'll wait....

Can you guess that the CEI gets funding from big oil companies?

They Lied to Me

2006-05-26T23:22:00.000-04:00

So I got the wires put on my braces this week. The orthodontist sent me home with a sheet of instructions and tips for dealing with them. My personal favorite quote is the following:

"You may feel some discomfort for a day or two after an adjustment. Over-the-counter pain medication will alleviate the discomfort."

Now when I think of "discomfort", I think of sitting in a straight-back chair for two hours, the pins-and-needles feeling after your foot falls asleep, or a case of underwear creep. What I am experiencing is pure, unadulterated pain. And it's day five. I've been popping ibuprofen like they're Pez, and the ibuprofen is about as effective as Pez. Except they don't taste as good.

The take-home lesson? If a doctor tells you that something will cause discomfort, they're lying to you. They just don't want to tell you that it'll hurt like hell.

The Unintentional Diet

2006-05-15T15:32:00.000-04:00

Right now, I'm in the throes of some major reworking of my teeth. And most of it is because I'm some kind of freak of genetics (thanks, Dad). I had a third set of teeth. Of course, nobody realized it until some of the third set started growing in. Now most people are familiar with the process that occurs when baby teeth are being replaced with adult teeth - the baby tooth falls out, and the adult tooth grows in. Not so with the third set. The second set just stays in, jockeying for position with the newcomers.

So I ended up having major surgery when I was a kid to remove the teeth that hadn't grown in (which was the birth of my hatred of dentistry), but there wasn't much they could do about the chaos that had already occurred. So I've been walking around with extra teeth (and a really screwed-up-looking smile) for about 20 years.

Finally I decided, fuck it, I'm going to get them fixed. Just slap some braces on and wrangle them into position, right? Stupid me, of course it wouldn't be that simple. Some teeth have gotta go. On both sides. Top and bottom. On two separate visits to the dentist. THEN I can have the wires put into the brackets that have just been sitting on my teeth looking stupid for the last 3 weeks.

The upside (I knew I would find one if I looked hard enough) is that having all that work done on my mouth has been a great unintentional weight-loss tool. I can't even eat, much less overeat, anything more solid than potato soup. But I can fit into clothing sizes that I haven't worn in years. So I guess things even out.

What's the French Word for Nerd?

2006-05-08T21:44:00.000-04:00

When I found out that J was going to Paris, I specifically requested one thing:

A copy of the first Harry Potter book in French (with the bonus of a Metro ticket that serves as a bookmark). The French language and I have a curious relationship with each other. I can read it pretty well, and I have a passable understanding of spoken French. However, I have virtually no ability to speak it or write it. So far, I'm having no trouble understanding a book that's written for French children, although I probably wouldn't admit it if I did.

The most amusing thing so far is that the word for "wand" is "baguette". I keep getting this mental picture of people performing magic by waving around loaves of bread.

Something To Ponder...

2006-05-08T16:25:00.000-04:00

From "Good Omens" by Terry Pratchett (a great book, btw):

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.

Happy But Knackered

2006-05-07T18:44:00.000-04:00

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm really happy. Not the kind of happy that comes from the outside - when your job, relationships, and the weather are good. Happy in spite of external stuff. It's quite wonderful, and I hope it lasts.

The one thing I've learned, though, is that happiness is tiring. I feel the need to go places and do things and see people, which doesn't quite mesh with the reality of having to go to work the next day. I've been out late 4 nights in the past week, and it's taking a bit of a toll on me energy-wise. But I've had a boatload of fun, and I can always sleep later.

Sigh

2006-04-24T22:57:00.000-04:00

I've always heard that when a door closes, somewhere, a window opens. Well, that window needs to hurry up and open because I'm suffocating in here.

This Just In...

2006-04-22T13:58:00.000-04:00

The period of late winter/early spring lunacy is now officially over. Your patience and concern during this time was greatly appreciated.

We will now return to the regularly-scheduled sanity.

Random Tuesday

2006-04-18T23:43:00.000-04:00

There is at least one redneck bar in Cary, NC. I didn't think one would exist in that yuppie haven.
The mace is my weapon. I'm thinking of getting that statement put on a t-shirt.
Don't even think about going to Duke Gardens on a warm, sunny Saturday. The playa was so full of people that you had to look hard to see the grass. Plus, the sheer number of lovey-dovey couples walking around was completely nauseating.
Caber tossing is quite fun, if you do it with logs of a smaller scale.

As Promised, A Less Serious Post

2006-04-14T09:33:00.000-04:00

From one of my favorite comic strips, "Rhymes With Orange". This is funniest for those who don't have a Y chromosome.

And We'll All Float On Okay

2006-04-13T13:13:00.000-04:00

I have a friend (whose identity I won't reveal, since some of you reading this post may know this person) who has changed drastically, and not in a particularly good way. I considered this person one of the nicest people I knew; someone who was fun, kind, and considerate. Now, said individual seems to have withdrawn to a not-nice place. This person does not seem to have any time for certain friends, and does not deign to answer e-mails or return phone calls (a real pet peeve of mine). Invitations are declined (or ignored). There's also a hardness in this person's personality that wasn't there before.

I know that everyone changes as the accumulation of life events shapes us. But the changes usually aren't that quick and drastic. I'll admit that I'm confused about the whole situation, but I also realize that I can't let the actions of someone else (something I can't control) get me down. So I'll write this off as a lesson learned, with no resentment toward anyone. I think it's best to just go about my own life and let this person figure things out for themselves.

P.S. I know that I've done two serious posts in a row. I'll try to make the next one a bit lighter in tone.

A Joyful Heart

2006-04-11T14:06:00.000-04:00

Today would have been my grandmother's 89th birthday. She passed away last year, and I miss her terribly. She taught me a lot of important things about life.

She grew up in a time when there weren't a lot of options for women. They were expected to be housewives and mothers. Her mother died when she was young, and as the oldest child, she cared for her younger siblings. She got married right out of high school, and had 5 children in 10 years. Looking at pictures of my grandparents when they were young, I could see that they didn't have much to call theirs. But they looked happy with what they had.

I spent a lot of my summers on my grandparents' farm. Tending cows, weeding gardens, shucking corn, and shelling peas gave me a deep appreciation for how much easier life is now. Plus, it gave me a startling realization at an early age about just where beef comes from. Quite an eye-opener.

Most of all, my grandmother always seemed to have a joyful heart. She enjoyed having some of the finer things in life (especially jewelry), but she seemed to be content with her life. She loved her family and friends, and she enjoyed her hobbies. A lot of people could learn from her attitude toward life.

Happy Birthday, Grandmother.

A New Diversion

2006-04-10T16:30:00.000-04:00

Fractal art. Here's my first try at it.

Peeps + Creative People = Mischief

2006-04-10T09:28:00.000-04:00

Observe exhibits 1-3 (photos courtesy of April):

Don't they look festive?

Combating Ignorance, Two People at a Time

2006-04-09T21:17:00.000-04:00

One of the dangers of going to the mall is that you will encounter a lot of people saying really stupid things. The comedian Lewis Black once overheard a conversation at IHOP where the woman in the next booth said, "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." Don't think about that statement for very long, or you'll get a raging headache.

Today, I was standing in line in the food court, waiting to order some soda, when a guy and a girl behind me started talking about Lent. Apparently someone had told the girl that Sundays didn't count in Lent, and the girl went on and on about how stupid the person that told her this must have been. Of course Sundays count! They should count more because they're Sundays!

So here's a lesson in Christian tradition - Sundays really aren't counted in Lent. Lent is a period of 40 days that commemorate the time that Jesus spent in the wilderness without food and water. While he was in the wilderness, he was tempted by Satan several times. Lent is a time when Christians try to relive the deprivation and temptation that Jesus experienced. If you get out a calendar and count the days from Ash Wednesday to Easter, there are 47 days (Ash Wednesday and Easter inclusive). The original theory is that Monday through Saturday are for deprivation and penitence, and the Sundays in Lent are "Little Easters", when the focus is supposed to be on celebration. So technically, you can have what you gave up for Lent on Sundays.

It seems key to understand a tradition if you participate in it. I know that's a novel concept. Well, now the people behind me in line know more about Lent. The guy gave up soda for Lent, and he celebrated his newfound knowledge by ordering a Coke.

Somehow, I Don't Believe It

2006-04-07T13:44:00.000-04:00

According to Kristen, most men have a thing for redheads. If that were true, there should be guys following me around everywhere. Let me check....

Nope, no men following me around. Guess Kristen was wrong.

My Personal Rating System

2006-04-02T15:03:00.000-04:00

There's the four (or five) star rating system. The 1-to-10 system, or the 1-to-11 system for Spinal Tap fans. I have devised my own system of rating things based on which medical procedures I would rather undergo than go somewhere/do something/see someone. Here's the list so far (it's a work in progress):

Blood draw
Pelvic exam
Regular dental checkup
Mammogram
Tooth filling
Tooth extraction
Colonoscopy
Any procedure requiring an incision and local anesthesia
Any procedure requiring an incision and general anesthesia

A Bit of Backstory: Yes, a dental checkup is farther down the list than most people would put it. It's because I HATE dentists. I think the entire field of dentistry is evil, due to some traumatic experiences I had as a child. Plus, I get berated by the hygienist every time just because my gums bleed when they jab them with a sharp metal instrument. Dude, most parts of my body would bleed if you stabbed them as hard as you just did to my gums. Stop being so sadistic and put the pick down.

Just had to vent. I feel better now.

I'm Too Old For That

2006-04-01T13:36:00.000-05:00

So I went to the Ben Folds concert in Raleigh last Thursday. One thing that became immediately apparent is that I was too old to be there. Not in the sense of "I can't be out this late on a school night", but because I was surrounded by people who were way younger than me. The vast majority of the audience was composed of geeky high-school and college-age white guys and their girlfriends. It really shouldn't have surprised me.

The youth and general ignorance of the audience became crystal clear when Ben Folds sang the song "Brick". The large number of people shouting "WOOHOO!" during the song made it obvious that these guys had no clue what the song was really about. You don't cheer during a song about how an abortion emotionally destroyed a young couple. Sheesh.

But all in all it was a good concert. I don't really like Ben Fold's music. It's interesting, but not compelling enough for me to buy any of his CDs. However, he puts on a hell of a live show. I particularly enjoyed his cover of "Bitches Ain't Shit", originally by Dr. Dre. Check out the cover for the single:

How's that for not taking yourself too seriously?

Words of Wisdom from Kristen

2006-03-29T09:02:00.000-05:00

"Being in the house of someone you don't know very well, naked... is weird."

Agreed.

I've Been Tagged

2006-03-23T21:08:00.000-05:00

So my blogging friend Holly, knowing full well that I hate the whole tagging people to fill out pointless lists about themselves, decided to be a troublemaker. Fortunately, the list only has one question. So here goes...

Ten Obscure Songs That I Like (in no particular order):

So Far I Have Not Found the Science by Soul Coughing
All You Can Eat by Ben Folds
Another White Dash by Butterfly Boucher
Fuck and Run by Liz Phair
Sleep by Conjure One
Not a Virgin by Poe
If Your Kisses Can't Hold the Man You Love by Rasputina
In the Waiting Line by Zero 7
Talula by Tori Amos
The Prophet's Song by Queen

There ya go, Holly. Happy now? How will I repay you for your kindness? Don't worry, I'll think of something really good.

Soon I Can Kill Things..

2006-03-17T14:26:00.000-05:00

I'm really looking forward to getting my new computer, which should be next Tuesday. When people asked me what kind of computer I wanted, I replied, "One set up especially for gaming. I want to kill things." Not the most mature of motivations, but at least it's truthful.

Now I have to decide which games to get. Decisions, decisions.

Cinema Explosif

2006-03-14T15:12:00.000-05:00

Now this site has real appeal for those with destructive tendencies. What could be cooler than watching explosives plus gravity do their worst?

When Worlds Collide, Pt. III

2006-03-13T20:56:00.001-05:00

The amazing things you can find on the internet. Like an illusion-knitting pattern for a Linux scarf. I guess something's gotta keep the necks of computer geeks warm and toasty.

And Another Thing..

2006-03-13T15:11:00.000-05:00

If I've been drinking, PLEASE take my camera phone away from me.

I Know the Feeling

2006-03-13T12:13:00.000-05:00

I learned a new word this weekend, courtesy of the Word of the Day:

crapulous \KRAP-yuh-lus\, adjective:
1. Suffering the effects of, or derived from, or suggestive of gross intemperance, especially in drinking; as, a crapulous stomach.
2. Marked by gross intemperance, especially in drinking; as, a crapulous old reprobate.

Crapulous is from Late Latin crapulosus, from Latin crapula, from Greek kraipale, drunkenness and its consequences, nausea, sickness, and headache.

A Non-Scientific Survey

2006-03-09T14:44:00.000-05:00

Okay boys and girls, time to be interactive. Leave the answer to the following question in the comments:

What is your guilty pleasure?

You can choose to identify yourself or remain anonymous. Have fun!

The Things You Learn When You Flake Out

2006-03-05T21:16:00.000-05:00

Recently, I've been feeling a bit restless - like when you're hungry for something but you can't figure out what it is. To top it off, I've been deeply disappointed by a few things lately. So, I did what any slightly off-kilter person does - I flaked out. I took off of work and took off. No plan of where to go or what to do. I just did whatever I felt like doing at the time. I guess I was trying to shake up my mind to get it to work properly again - much like hitting the TV to get it to work.

Where I went and what I did are too complicated to put in a post, but I will share some things I learned about myself during my brief odyssey:

I am good at designing ironwork railings. I can't actually make them, but I can come up with a cool design.
Once I get over my fear of heights ("Oh my God, I'm gonna DIE!!!"), I can put reclaimed wood shingles onto a roof without splitting every other one. Plus, I can make cool stuff with the leftover tin flashing (especially if I have good tin snips and a blowtorch).
I attract a lot of attention when I'm decked out in motorcycle-riding gear. This was both good and bad.
I am incapable of using paint in any application without getting some of it in my hair. Which is precisely why I stick to paint that washes out with soap and water.
I can get a nice sunburn in March when I accidentally fall asleep in full sun for 3 hours.
I love treehouses. Especially ones that have electricity, indoor plumbing, and satellite TV. I want one when I grow up.

All in all, it was a very liberating and educational experience. I highly recommend flaking out once in a while.

Death to Teddy

2006-02-24T20:58:00.000-05:00

May he not rest in peace.

The Great Non-Blizzard of '06

2006-02-21T10:28:00.000-05:00

The fun part about living in the South is the total chaos that ensues when they predict wintry weather. It's like the end of the world is coming. Hurry up! Rush to the store to get 2 weeks worth of bread and milk, even though the worst-case scenario would leave you homebound for at most 2 days.

They predicted snow and sleet for yesterday. And we got a grand total of 0.00 inches of precipitation. Plus it was almost 50 degrees F that afternoon.

So much for the wintry weather.

P.S. To be fair, wintry weather around here usually means ice, which sticks like glue to the roads and turns them into skating rinks for cars. Plus, it happens so rarely that the government doesn't have enough equipment to clear all of the roads in a timely manner. So it's really a good thing that everyone stays indoors when it gets bad outside.

Knitting Olympics Update: I'm off the pace. It's going to be a race to the finish.

Olympic Silliness

2006-02-17T11:06:00.000-05:00

This is definitely a reason to like the US Ski Team:

Husky Gets ID As Member Of U.S. Ski Team (AP)
SESTRIERE, Italy -- There's one member of the U.S. ski team that will give "paws" to the competition.

He's Chevy, the Siberian husky belonging to Olympic ski team star Daron Rahlves.
Chevy even has his own official Olympic ID with his picture on it. The husky is listed as a member of the ski-team security squad.

Officials of the Torino Organizing Committee said a dog with an official ID card is news to them. But a spokesman for the U.S. Olympic Committee says Chevy is on the roster.

The ID lets the dog behind the scenes at the Winter Olympics.

Knitting Olympics update: So far, I am on track to complete my project. Sorry for the lack of pictures - gotta keep on schedule!

Pomp, Circumstance, and a Touch of Lameness

2006-02-11T11:56:00.000-05:00

For some odd reason, I always make it a point to watch the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. Much like some people will slow down to get a good gander at an accident.

There were definitely some cool parts. Peter Gabriel singing "Imagine". The real-life re-enactment of Botticelli's "Birth of Venus" (luckily for the woman who was Venus, they decided to put some clothing on her). The Formula One Ferrari doing donuts on the ice. Pavarotti singing. The torch-lighting.

And, as predictible as ever, some really strange parts. A celebration of Italian culture that mostly involved people suspended from wires. Life-size plastic cows being pulled around the ice. The dresses that the sign-carriers wore. Speed skaters with fire packs on their backs. Normally I am a big fan of fire, but this was pretty lame.

And the piece de resistance, the parade of athletes. That wasn't lame in itself, but apparently the organizers chose to play American disco/pop hits from the 70's and 80's in the background. At one point, I turned to the person watching it with me and said, "If they play 'YMCA', I'm changing the channel." Which they did about 10 minutes later. So the American contribution to the ceremony was bad music. Nice.

Can't wait to see what they have planned for the closing ceremonies.

Team What-the-Hell-Was-I-Thinking

2006-02-09T20:10:00.000-05:00

One of my quirks (you can judge for yourself whether it's good or bad) is that I like a challenge. In that spirit, I was insane inspired to enter the Yarn Harlot's Knitting Olympics. The rules are simple: a project must be completed between the lighting and extinguishing of the Olympic flame in Torino. The key word is complete. Finished, blocked, pret a porter.

For this task, I have chosen to knit a baby cardigan for Kristen's daughter, Rachel. Kristen picked out the yarn, a baby boucle, which will be really cute but is a pain in the ass to work with. So, much like the Olympic athletes, it's going to be a real challenge for me. Also, I'm dealing with an injury that may become a problem. I spent today making 6 plates of samples, so my left wrist is killing me from all the pipetting.

Wish me luck. I'll need it.

This Post Does Not Exist

2006-02-02T17:12:00.000-05:00

I came across an interesting 404 error page today:

File 404

The page you tried to access does not exist on this server.

Like many philosophically interesting notions, existence is at once familiar and rather elusive. Although we have no more trouble with using the verb 'exists' than with the two-times table, there is more than a little difficulty in saying just what existence is. Existing seems to be at least as mundane as walking or being hungry. Yet, when we say 'Tom is hungry' or 'Tom is walking', it may be news to those not in Tom's vicinity, whereas 'Tom exists' would be news to no one who knew Tom, and merely puzzling to anyone who did not. Again, we know what it is like to be hungry or to walk, but what is it like to exist, what kind of experience is that? Is it perhaps the experience of being oneself, of being identical with oneself? Yet again, we can readily indicate what is meant by Tom's walking, but surely Tom's existing is not something we can indicate to anyone. On the face of it, there would seem to be no way at all in which we can explain what existing is.

Miller, Barry, "Existence", The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Summer 2002 Edition), Edward N. Zalta (ed.).

Diversionary Tactic

2006-02-01T13:17:00.000-05:00

To distract you from the fact that I can't think of anything to write about today, I will show you pictures (courtesy of Ravi) from last Saturday's pyromaniac-intensive party:

Love in the Time of Despair

2006-01-31T14:55:00.000-05:00

We are fast approaching what I consider to be the worst holiday of the year: Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. It's a completely manufactured holiday timed to give Hallmark and candy makers something to sell between Christmas and Easter. It's the day to take time out to buy flowers for your sweetie so you don't feel guilty about taking her for granted the other 364 days of the year. Plus, it has the added bonus of making anyone who isn't in a great relationship feel like total crap because they get nothing on that day. Zip. Zilch. Nada. What a scam.

That being said, I have finally found a Valentine's candy that I would be willing to buy, courtesy of Despair.com (one of my favorite sites). Bittersweets. Two collections: Dejected and Dysfunctional. Six different flavors: Banana Chalk, Grape Dust, Nappy-Citric, You-Call-This-Lime?, Pink Sand and Fossilized Antacid.

Perfect sentiment for a perfectly awful day.

Well That's a New One...

2006-01-30T12:20:00.000-05:00

I came across this story on CNN.com. If you're too lazy to click the link, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has vowed not to have sex until after the election on April 9! The man is married, btw.

I've heard of a lot of wacky campaign promises, but this one is a clear winner. What I want to know is who, exactly, is this campaign promise aimed at? With things like middle-class tax cuts, you know the group whose vote you're courting. What group is swayed by a celibacy pledge? I also wonder what his wife thinks about it.

Weird.

Sounds Familiar...

2006-01-25T14:14:00.000-05:00

Another forwarded e-mail:

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last moments before the crash.

They were not surprised to find in 42 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

But the states of Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, Arkansas, Missouri, Alabama, Georgia and Kentucky were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."

Questions That Online Dating Sites Should Ask

2006-01-24T15:00:00.000-05:00

Anyone who has had the pleasure of using an online dating site knows that it's really still a gamble. Someone may look great on paper, but that doesn't mean that he /she isn't a loser/egomaniac/all-around psycho.

The problem is that dating sites don't ask the questions that might give you some sort of warning about potentially deal-breaking (and sometimes life-threatening) issues. After consulting with some friends, I have come up with a few suggestions for questions that should be in dating profiles:

Have you been in rehab?
Have you been in an inpatient psychiatric facility?
Are there any psycho exes that might come after me if I start dating you?
For those with tattoos: What is the approximate area, in square inches, of your body that is covered with tattoos? Do any of the tattoos feature the name/likeness of an ex?
Do you have a criminal record?
Do you have any piercings that you can't show in public?
Do you have a job? Does it require wearing a nametag?
Are you still friends with any of your exes? Is it platonic, or are you "friends with benefits"?
If I want to spend some time alone, will you get snippy or pouty about it?
Regarding communication: Are you the type of person who a) never calls unless you're horny; or b) calls me 20 times a day to check up on me?

Just a start. Feel free to suggest additional questions.

Yowza!

2006-01-23T21:15:00.000-05:00

If you think knitters can't be sexy, look at this.

Yummy.

When Worlds Collide, Part II

2006-01-21T16:29:00.000-05:00

Last time, we visited the corner of mathematics and crochet. Now, we're moving down the block to the intersection of sci-fi and knitting:

Serious fans of "Firefly" will recognize this hat as the one Jayne's mom knitted for him in the episode "The Message". It has to be the front-runner for the dorkiest-looking hat in the universe, but the image of a rugged bully type wearing a geeky hat that his mom made him is highly comical.

Obsessive "Firefly" fans have popped up all over the internet wanting a Jayne hat of their own. Go figure. Most of them say it's because they want to show support for the short-lived show, wanting to wear them to the premiere of "Serenity" last year. Fellow fans will definitely think it's cool. The problem is that anyone who didn't watch the show (which, given the fact that it was canceled, is A LOT of people) will just see you as a giant dork in a stupid hat.

If that thought does not deter you, you too can have a Jayne hat of your own, providing you either knit or know a knitter who accepts bribes/is susceptible to coercion. Best of luck! Be sure to send pictures!

Superstar!

2006-01-20T10:54:00.000-05:00

This is my friend Lori:

For some reason, she wants to be featured here, so here goes.

Lori has been my co-worker twice in my career. She's quite a trip. Some things you should know about her:

She doesn't look or act her age.
She says "HELLLOOOO!" when she greets you.
She has introduced several phrases into my lexicon, including "rock-star parking" and "I not knowing"
She likes to listen to Insane Clown Posse around Halloween. I will never think of a lima bean in the same way again.
She loves puns. The worse the pun, the better she likes it.
Her penmanship would earn her an A+ in school.
She is under the mistaken impression that I know everything, which makes me feel good.
She holds the world record for shortest time between losing an old job and finding a new one.
She's generally an all-around cool gal, and lots of fun to hang out with.

Well Lori, I hope you like your post. You're a superstar now!

Things to Ponder

2006-01-19T12:49:00.000-05:00

A list, courtesy of Stephanie P.

Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

When Worlds Collide

2006-01-18T14:28:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when science and crochet meet:

It's a model of a Lorenz manifold done with crochet. Lorenz equations describe the nature of chaotic systems (or so I'm told). This model has 25,511 crochet stitches and took about 85 hours to complete. The thing is almost a meter high.

A project like that takes some dedication, or an excess of weirdness. But it looks really cool.

I Got Lance In My Pants

2006-01-17T00:16:00.000-05:00

Cute song for a cracker commercial. Even funnier if you know someone named Lance.

Absolutely hilarious if your friend Lori has a thing for said guy and takes just about every opportunity to sing it to him. And make jokes about unwrapping.

P.S. According to Lori, the correct pronunciation of the name is to draw out the word, so it sounds like "LANCE-uh".

Grabbing Some "Cosmic Booty"

2006-01-16T10:15:00.000-05:00

I'm only posting this because I couldn't resist the title.

It took them 7 years and untold amounts of money, but NASA scientists managed to get their hand on some dust from a comet (comet Wild-2, to be exact). Apparently, comet dust contains the explanation for life, the universe, and everything.

The scientists called it (and I am not making this up) "cosmic booty", as if they're some sort of space pirates. Or in some interstellar bar.

A Bit Too Late

2006-01-13T10:11:00.000-05:00

This is why I wish they had flat screen TVs when I was in college:

How cool is that?

Words of the Year

2006-01-12T10:45:00.000-05:00

The American Dialect Society has come out with it's "Words of the Year" list for 2005.

The winner is "truthiness": the quality of stating concepts or facts one wishes or believes to be true, rather than concepts or facts known to be true. We can thank Stephen Colbert for that one.

Some of my personal favorites:

jump the couch: to exhibit strange or frenetic behavior. Inspired by the couchbouncing antics of Tom Cruise on Oprah Winfrey’s talk show in May. I liked "jump the shark", so I like this one too.

brown-out: the poor handling of an emergency. Thanks, FEMA!

lifehack: to make one’s day-to-day behaviors or activities more efficient. Nice to see "hack" swinging back to a more positive connotation.

muffin top: the bulge of flesh hanging over the top of low-rider jeans. One word: eeeewwww.

flee-ancée: runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks. Sums it all up quite nicely.

crotchfruit: a child; children. Really gross sounding, but probably meant to be that way. Typically used by people who don't like kids.

Cruisazy: crazy in the manner of Tom Cruise. Not just your average, run-of-the mill crazy.

The English language is truly a beautiful thing.

Reveal Thyself!

2006-01-10T11:42:00.000-05:00

So a friend (hi Lori!) sent me a quiz link to find out who has a secret crush on me. (Wow, I just had a flashback to high school.) It's not a quiz so much as a random letter generator.

Anyway, the quiz says that my secret crush's name starts with the letter "C", which is odd. I don't really know anyone whose name starts with "C". I know of some guys with C-names, but that's about it.

This quiz is obviously very scientific - it's on the internet, and everyone knows that everything on the internet is true/valid. ;-) So you, whose name starts with a "C"and who has a crush on me, must be out there somewhere. If you fit this description, leave a comment and let me know who you are. After all, it's no fun to keep those kinds of secrets!

The Fun of Getting Laid (Off)

2006-01-07T14:23:00.000-05:00

A bunch of my friends got laid off at work on Wednesday. It's really sad, because most of them were my friends, and it seems strange not to have them around.

Being the weirdos that we are, it was decided that the layoff was a perfect opportunity to have a party. The kind of spontaneous party like back in college after finals, when the exam ended at noon and the drinking commenced at 12:30. It was a blast. Beverages were consumed, stories were told (hoo boy!), and someone got a rug burn (although not in the manner he would have liked to get one). Much fun was had by all, and the strangest thing was that the people who were laid off were way happier than the people who weren't. That's probably the way it should be. It's really quiet and really boring at work now. Cemetaries aren't as dead as that place is now.

I'm sure it will all work out great for everybody. Better jobs with higher pay. It's just sad that we all won't be together anymore.

Knitpicking

I've Moved

The Threat of Knitting

Dear Sock

Forget the Lemonade

Friday Surprise

Auto Repair, Redneck Style

The Dream That Wouldn't Go Away

Death in the Family

Allergies (Or: Mucus, the Scourge of Mankind)

Strange News Friday

In Progress

I'm in Love

Sidelined by Semantics

The Asian Tour of Pain

Five Years of My Life in One Comic Strip Panel

To Sleep, Or Maybe Not

Status Report

Multitasking

The Best Campaign T-Shirt Ever

Thank God It's Almost Over

Ask Me Later If It Was Worth It

A Halloween Debunking

Rewriting the Calendar

Dispatch From the State Fair

A Small Diversion

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

A Dubious Honor

Um, Okayyyy...

If Only It Was a Bit Longer

I Just Wanted to Say...

Distractions

The Passing of Time

Escape from Area 51

Random Tuesday

I Must Be REALLY Dumb

A Warning

Random Tuesday

Interesting....

Downgrade on the Digs

A Strange Breed Indeed

A Yarn Feature Of Which I've Never Heard

I CAN Do It

An Orthodontic Catalog

The Magic of Felting

The Hazards of Weddings

Fun With Poisonous Snakes

The Swatch Failed Me

For the record

Aging Unevenly

A Serious Case of Blogger's Block

Red = Bad

Oh. My. God.

They Lied to Me

The Unintentional Diet

What's the French Word for Nerd?

Something To Ponder...

Happy But Knackered

*Sigh*

This Just In...

Random Tuesday

As Promised, A Less Serious Post

And We'll All Float On Okay

A Joyful Heart

A New Diversion

Peeps + Creative People = Mischief

Combating Ignorance, Two People at a Time

Somehow, I Don't Believe It

My Personal Rating System

I'm Too Old For That

Words of Wisdom from Kristen

I've Been Tagged

Soon I Can Kill Things..

Cinema Explosif

When Worlds Collide, Pt. III

And Another Thing..

I Know the Feeling

A Non-Scientific Survey

The Things You Learn When You Flake Out

Death to Teddy

Sigh